The Opportunity In Failure
From verse 79 in the Tao Te Ching. Why blaming things that happen to you can become self-destructive.
Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills their own obligations and corrects their own mistakes. They do what they need to do and demands nothing of others. - Tao Te Ching- 79, Stephen Mitchell translation.
Photo by Amel Majanovic on Unsplash
Blame has seemingly turned into a popular sport in today's society, especially now, as we find ourselves at the beginning of the 2024 election cycle. Headlines are saturated with politicians pointing fingers at each other for their collective missteps.
Solutions to these failures are seldom discussed. Were a solution proposed, it would necessitate accountability in addressing the issue.
Blaming Will Make You Weaker
Life often presents us with situations beyond our control, such as a volatile stock market, unfavorable laws, or stagnant wages.
After college, I spent two years working at Starbucks despite holding an undergraduate degree. I blamed the job market for my inability to land a better job, but the reality was that I wasn't fully applying myself in the job search.
Time passed—days, weeks, months—without any effort from me to pursue a new career path. Comfort in blaming external circumstances made me hesitant to advance my life, trapping me in a paradox of discomfort masked by a false sense of security. I had become so accustomed to assigning blame that I lost sight of what it truly meant to feel at ease.
Eventually, I did secure a job, one that led to two promotions over seven years. While I am thankful for that opportunity, I recognize that had I not indulged in blame, I might have embarked on a more fulfilling career much sooner.
Look Within Yourself
Encountering failure necessitates a journey inward, a task that is often challenging. Our minds are adept at finding excuses, attributing our setbacks to external factors beyond our control.
Consider the case of addicted gamblers who convince themselves their losses are due to bad luck, believing victory is just around the corner because "they're due." While this may be an extreme example, it illustrates a common tendency to rationalize our experiences in ways that absolve us of responsibility.
Imagine someone's rudeness at a coffee shop or being cut off in traffic spikes your stress levels, setting you up for a potential outburst at a coworker. It's easy to think, "If that person hadn't cut me off, I wouldn't have snapped," but the truth is, the decision to react negatively was yours alone.
Stressful days often follow us home, impacting our interactions with loved ones, or leading some to seek solace in harmful ways. While external circumstances are sometimes unavoidable, shifting our mindset to escape the trap of victimhood is within our control.
Ted Lasso's advice to "have the memory of a goldfish" suggests the power of letting go of the past to live more freely in the present.
Embracing the Lessons of Failure
Failure is not just a setback; it's potentially the greatest opportunity for self-improvement you'll encounter. Each failure provides a clear lens through which to examine where things might have gone awry. Consider a scenario where you didn't succeed in securing a raise. Reflect on the dialogue: what aspects were effective, and which were not?
The disappointment of being denied a raise can be a pivotal moment for introspection and growth. Without failure, we might spend our time imagining hypothetical outcomes rather than facing reality and preparing for tangible improvement.
Rather than casting blame on your boss for the rejection, shift the focus inward: "What different approach can I take?" Recognize that, in some cases, you might work under a supervisor who is reluctant to increase pay for anyone. While this situation is beyond your control, you retain the power to either seek employment elsewhere or enhance the way you demonstrate your worth.
Confronting Failure
Confronting failure inevitably bruises our ego, prompting a search for external reasons to mitigate the discomfort. Acknowledging our own flaws and missteps is difficult but essential.
Begin by examining the aspects of your life where blame is a reflexive response. Consider whether persisting in this blame is a worthy use of your time and energy.
If the source of blame lies beyond your control, it's time to release it. Conversely, if there's an actionable step you can take, focus on identifying and implementing a solution.
Blame, fundamentally, is an energy drain that offers no resolution—it merely highlights the presence of a problem without contributing to its solution.
The next time you find yourself irked by someone's actions, such as being cut off in traffic, pause to reflect: "Is my anger truly because of them?" This shift in perspective not only conserves energy but fosters a more constructive approach to overcoming life's inevitable hurdles.